School-Age Children

Ensuring Their Safety While Letting Go: Advice for Parents as Children “Go it Alone” Socially

By Dr. Julie Neblett, Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Can my 5-year-old handle a sleep over? Should I let my preteen go to a “boy-girl” party? Should I let my 16-year-old stay out past her regular curfew? These are just some of the questions parents ask themselves when making decisions about how much independence to give their children as they begin to have more social outings on their own. While there are no hard and fast rules that apply to all children all the time, the following guidelines can help parents as they strive to make the best decisions they can:

Strive to balance your need to protect with their need to let go. To achieve this balance, it is a good idea for parents to gradually give their child more independence as the child demonstrates improvements in coping skills and responsibility. For example, if a teenager has consistently come home on time and has consistently asked for permission before questionable activities, then it would be reasonable for the adolescent’s parents to allow him to stay out one hour later than usual if the adolescent is in a safe place.

When determining how much independence to give a child, consider their maturity level, not just their chronological age. It makes sense that an 8-year-old child who follows household rules, completes homework, and is respectful to her parents would be given more social independence than an 8-year-old who has not demonstrated these behaviors. Beginning when the child is young, parents should give children clear feedback on how their behavior impacts the privileges they earn.

Avoid forcing a child into a “fun” social activity that the child is not developmentally or emotionally ready to handle. It is also generally in the child’s best interest if he or she understands what the activity will involve and can make a reasonable decision regarding whether they want to proceed. While a child may have some jitters about a social activity, the child’s predominant feeling should be a desire to go.

Adult supervision does not have to be an “all or none” activity. It is sometimes appropriate for the adult to be close enough to intervene if needed, but far enough to give older children a feeling of independence. For example, while at an amusement park, it would be reasonable to let older preteens go on some rides together while adults go on different rides. Of course, this would require that the adults can trust them to meet back at a specific place and time, to follow rules regarding what they can and cannot do, and to appropriately seek help if needed.

If the activity requires time away from parents, a plan should be in place so that the child or adolescent knows how to contact parents and where else to obtain help if needed. For example, if the child is attending a week-long overnight camp, the child should be informed in advance of when and how she will be able to contact her parents and also be given the name of the person that she should talk to at camp when she is feeling homesick or has other concerns. Even if a child will only be away from parents for a short period of time, such as during a visit to the shopping mall, it is important for the child to know, for example, that he can reach his parents by cell phone or get help from the mall security office.

In general, children need opportunities to develop social independence while also receiving support and protection from their parents. Parents need to carefully consider the characteristics of their child and the specific demands of each situation when determining how much independence to give the child.