Resource Library

Self-Esteem

By Ann V. Deaton, Ph.D., Director of Psychology/Neuropsychology Services

Q: Why is it important to develop positive self-esteem in children?

In order to learn, children have to take risks and make some mistakes. They are more likely to do so if they feel confident of their abilities and good about themselves. Positive self-esteem helps children to feel they have something to offer others and thus helps them to make friends and get along in social situations.

What are the warning signs for low self-esteem in children?

Children who do not attempt new things or do not participate in group activities may be experiencing low self-esteem. Children who consistently focus on what they can’t do may need help in identifying their strengths and skills or in developing some new skills. Also, children who seem angry much of the time may have poor self esteem.

Are there any recommended activities to build our child’s self-esteem?

  • Sharing good and bad feelings and experiences at the end of each day as well as talking through problems is an excellent way to work on self-esteem.
  • Acknowledging that adults make mistakes too is a great model for kids to have and follow, particularly if you can show you are willing to learn from your mistakes.
  • Providing children with age-appropriate chores and complimenting them for completing chores communicates that you value them and that they are important to the functioning and well-being of a family or group.
  • Research has shown that helping children take responsibility is another excellent way to improve self-esteem.

How can I react positively when my child makes a mistake?

Part of how a child develops positive self-esteem is based on how they are treated by the important people in their lives. Treating mistakes as learning experiences is an excellent way to help your child accept responsibility for his/her mistakes and to do better the next time. For example, if your child spills his milk, he can learn to put it a little further from the edge of the table next time and to clean it up this time (with your help if needed).

How can I discipline effectively without damaging my child’s self-esteem?

Having family routines and rules and being able to set limits with your children will help them know what is expected of them to behave well. One thing to remember is to let your child know when he or she has done something right so that they do the same thing again. This is just as important as letting them know when they’ve done something wrong.

When your child does misbehave, be sure to focus on the behavior that is a problem instead of suggesting that the child is bad. When possible, punishments should be related to the misbehavior and should not last forever. For example, if a child breaks something, she might be helped to repair it or purchase a replacement out of her allowance. This way, she is able to correct the damage she’s done by making things right.

For older children, asking them what they think should happen is often an effective way of getting them to think through the situation and begin to learn the self control that also contributes to positive and realistic self-esteem. An example might be when a child turns on the television without having done his homework. When you ask him what should be done about this, he may suggest that he lose television-watching time or do additional math problems. Once he’s completed the punishment, it should generally be over with and the child should not be reminded repeatedly of his mistake. Again, it is also great if you remember to praise him the next day when he does his homework right away to show that you also notice when he does things well.

What is the best way to handle my child’s personal disappointments?

Keep in mind that you want your child to develop a realistic sense of self-esteem. None of us is good at everything, so developing self-esteem includes valuing both ability and effort. Teaching your child how to handle his feelings is a good way of developing self-esteem. A child who gets a good hit in a t-ball game needs help expressing his happiness without putting others down: for example, saying “I got a good hit, mom!” rather than “I hit the ball better than Tonya!”

On the other hand, the child who is disappointed to have made an out should be encouraged to identify areas of improvement ("I hit the ball; I didn’t strike out!") and also to make a plan for continuing to try hard, get additional coaching and practice or focus on another activity next time ("I’m gonna finish out this season, but I think I want a computer class instead next spring.")

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